People fight. Spouses fight. Siblings fight. Friends fight. That is a reality. It is not necessarily bad, depending on how it is done.

We can fight mean and be very hurtful. Those that we love, live with, spend the most time with, we know best. What that means is that we know the best way to hurt them. We know where they are most vulnerable. Going after those spots is not fair, but that is what we tend to do when think that we need to win the fight. In this situation, there is no winning. Everyone loses. The relationship loses.

So, it is important to learn how to fight fair. First, make sure that you are in a good place emotionally. I know that sounds counter-intuitive. If I feel like a fight with my spouse is coming on, I am probably not in a good place! But stop! Breathe. Take some time to think about what you are upset about. What you most want your spouse to understand. Take a minute to see what would be a good resolution for the relationship. Not you, the relationship. You want the relationship to win, not the individual.

Once you are grounded, ask if the other person is ready to talk. If both of you are ready, be thoughtful of your tone and word choice. Do not be deliberately provocative. Do not push buttons. If there is something that you do not understand, clarify. Do not assume that you understand. Ask questions. Again, watch your tone. Be aware of your body language. Keep in mind what your goal for the relationship is. Breathe. If you need to take a timeout, please do.

It may take a while to get through this. Take it in small chunks. Keep grounding yourself. Remind yourself and the person that you are fighting with all of the positive feelings that you still have for each other.

By doing these steps, you will be able to resolve most issues with the least amount of damage. However, do not hesitate to reach out to a professional if you need help. That is why we are there. Please take care of yourself and your relationship!